Warning: this article is best for MARRIED EYES ONLY.
One of my husband’s and my favorite books on marriage is “His Needs, Her Needs” by Willard F. Harley. In the book, Harley relates that in counseling sessions, he would often advise women clients to make love with their husband every day for a month and then come back to see him. What he found was that this alone made a huge difference for both partners in the marriage relationship. Why? According to Harley, a man’s number one need is sexual fulfillment and when his needs were being met, he naturally began seeing to her needs. It is hard for us as women to understand sometimes, but men are wired (by God!) differently than we are. Study after study has shown that on the average, men think about and feel the need for sex far more than women do. According to a recent issue of Prevention magazine, women think about sex an average of 10 times a day while men think about it nearly twice as much at an average of 19 times a day.
Even the Bible recognizes a man’s need for sexual fulfillment. Proverbs 5:15-19 says,
“Drink water from your own cistern And fresh water from your own well. Should your springs be dispersed abroad, Streams of water in the streets? Let them be yours alone And not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love.”
Here the writer relates a man’s need for sexual fulfillment to his need for water. “Springs” and “fountain” are representative of his sex life and he is advised to find his fulfillment in one place and one place only: with the wife of his youth.
During the marriage retreat my husband and I attended earlier this month, David Shannon illustrated the passage this way. Imagine that your husband is only allowed to drink water and he’s only allowed to drink it from one cup– the cup you hold and control. He can only have a drink if you say so. Now imagine that when he comes to you for a drink, you say to him, “You want a drink? Again? Seriously? That’s all you ever think about, isn’t it?! Well, good grief. Fine. Have a drink. But I hope after this you’ll leave me alone for a few days.” Not a response steeped in respect, is it?
Grudgingly meeting your spouse’s needs is not respectful or loving. Instead, we can recognize and honor the fact that our husbands are wired very differently than we are (most, anyway). His need for sex is just that: a need. If he wants to be pleasing to his God, he will seek to fulfill that need with you and you only. We understand that part of it, and we agree with God that this need should be met in our own beds. The trouble sometimes is that the desire just isn’t there on our end. So what do you do if sex is something you’re truly not very interested in? In many ways, that’s the million dollar question and there isn’t one simple answer for everyone, but let’s discuss some helpful hints.
First, start by praying. The marital relationship is definitely something every married woman should be praying about and why not include your sex life in that? Pray for increased drive if that’s what you need. God already knows what you need. He invented sex as a cement for your relationship and certainly wants you to hold it in high esteem (Hebrews 13:4).
Second, learn about the differences between men and women in arousal. Brad Harrub explained this with kitchen appliances: he is a microwave; she is a Crock Pot. Men, being more wired for sex and being visually aroused, typically don’t take long to heat up, so to speak. Women, being aroused primarily through emotional and mental connections, take longer. If you and your spouse can discuss these differences openly, you can use the differences to your advantage. It can be embarrassing and difficult to do the first few times, but let your husband know the kinds of things that start your Crock Pot cooking (hint: euphemisms do make it a bit more comfortable). Maybe what helps you is an extra long kiss in the morning. A call mid-day to say he’s thinking of you. Maybe a note taped to the milk jug. Whatever makes you feel loved and cherished will likely also turn on your Crock Pot. Harley explains that affection (things like the long kiss, mid-day calls, etc.) creates the atmosphere for sex. Without it, sex isn’t going to happen– at least not in a satisfying way.
Third, read the Song of Songs together often. This was a homework assignment given by Brad Harrub. He suggested each couple read the book together once a month (maybe on your anniversary date?). I would add to that, learn what the various phrases mean. While there is plenty there that is very plain, you’ll get more out of it if you devote some extra study. Just like we have many euphemistic phrases to refer to the marital act (there’s one!), they had many as well. A great book on the subject is “Solomon on Sex” by Joseph C. Dillow. You will be shocked about what God has to say through Solomon.
Overhauling your bedroom life isn’t an easy task. Society’s views on marriage and sex don’t help anything either. Remember as you’re trying to change things for yourselves, do not resort to worldly or sinful behaviors. Things like self-pleasure, pornography and “romance” novels are ultimately harmful. Keep in mind that the point of sex is not the pleasure, but coming together and becoming one flesh. Bringing other people into your bedroom, if only in your own head, is damaging and sinful. Selfishness has no place in marriage, including in the bedroom. Paul reminded the Corinthians that the husband’s body belongs to the wife and hers belongs to her husband (1 Corinthians 7:4). You are each other’s, so cherish one another as such. Love making is the most intimate and vulnerable way to express that. Treat it with reverence and the attitude alone will carry you far.
More Articles In This Series:
- Illuminations: James and Romans - June 17, 2021
- Illuminations: Galatians 4:21-31 - March 31, 2021
- Illuminations: Psalm 46 - February 18, 2021
Welcome! We are so glad you stopped by. Come Fill Your Cup is a group of Christian ladies dedicated to equipping women for study and service. We know you are busy and that life’s hectic pace pulls you in so many directions, but you can’t truly be the woman God desires unless you take time to fill your own cup…not with spa days (though we love a good spa!) or the latest novel…but with God’s Holy Word. We want to help you with that! Our goal is to reach you in the midst of your busy day and give you encouragement, education, and fellowship as you strive to live the life God has laid before you. Our prayer is that we can help fill your cup so that you, in turn, can overflow to all those around you. So, as we like to say…come fill your cup, and let it overflow!
Wonderful!!! It is amazing how much change I can see in my relationship with my husband since I do not deny him usless I am really sick. Everything you said is very true.
I love this article. It could be such a practical read and do untold (literally– probably not a lot of publicity about how much this helps) good in many women’s hearts, bedrooms, marriage relationships and ultimately the ministering and evangelistic good emanating from the homes. May I use this soon (with credit) in BYH?
Absolutely you may use it. I’d be honored. Thank you for your kind encouragement. I hope it does do much good and ultimately brings glory to God and His plan.
Excellent article! Very practically & tastefully done! So much of our relationships with our husband (including the physical parts!) begin in our hearts & in our heads! Of COURSE we won’t be interested in making love with our husbands when all we do is sit around & think of how much we resent him. 🙁 Everything our husband’s do, from going to work every day to taking out the trash, to playing with our children, is a way they are trying to care for us. My husband put up our mailbox yesterday, & let me tell you, boy was I glad I wasn’t the one out in the ditch in the mud! Then he came in & opened a jar for me & WOW! Is he a superhero or what?!
Lacey, when we were at Bear Valley, u did a devo for us girls abt respecting ur husbands and that lesson has followed me since then! Thank u and thanks to this new artical to refreshening my thoughts abt what a Christian wife really is abt! Miss u n ur family!
Aww…thanks so much Angie, you just made my whole week!! We miss you too! Praying things are well with you & your ministry, God bless!!!
Wonderful article!! Thanks, Erynn!
Fabulous post!
great job covering a difficult to talk about subject Erynn!
I loved your article! Thank you for writing this series.
Thank you Erynn! In a Christian world where we speak so much to teens about NOT having sex outside of marriage, we tend to neglect the importance of teaching that within God’s boundaries of a biblical marriage, the more sex, the better! We should teach that God invented it, and everything He created is good! You did a wonderful, tasteful job of handling a sensitive subject.
Great post! Much to consider.
Wonderful article! Very thought provoking… Thanks so much for sharing this!!
Thank you so much for this great article, Erynn. I am pleased to see the Lord’s church discuss these kinds of issues. We’ve shied away from discussing these very important issues so that we are creating a culture in the church in which we are allowing the world to teach our children about this wonderful relationship that the Lord ordained. Keep up the great work, sister!
Tracy
Excellent article! You handled a sensitive subject in a beautiful way. 🙂
I thought you did a great job addressing the subject. I think it is something that most of us know deep down, but needed to reminded of from time to time.
Thanks Erynn! Very good article! These types of things do need to be discussed more often I believe in the Lord’s church, instead of shied away from. In a tasteful manner, of course. I think it’s something we need to keep in mind a lot more than we do. Again, thank you!
Fantastically spoken! Tastefully written! Thank you for your encouragement for living a Godly and happy Christian life!
love,
debbie
Erynn, Thank you so much for sharing what you learned with all of us. It was an excellent article and I also appreciate everyone’s responses and ideas. Thank you!
VERY ENCOURAGING AND NEEDED ARTICLE! THANK YOU FOR SHARING SUCH PRIVATE THOUGHTS AND FOR GIVING SOME HELPFUL ADVICE. I THINK ALL MARRIED WOMEN WOULD BENEFIT FROM READING THIS ARTICLE FROM TIME TO TIME! :0)
Erynn, thank you for this article! Although it is a “difficult” topic, we Christian wives need this so much! The world is not the only place who has marriage struggles!