This morning I had the most overwhelming appointment with my doctor that I have ever experienced. 2 weeks ago I had my 20 week ultrasound. The doctor told me that all the vital organs looked fine but they would like to repeat the ultrasound. “We can’t visualize the lower spine,” she told me. I of course asked the very obvious question “what exactly does that mean.” She explained that although they could visualize the upper spine, they simply couldn’t see the lower spine. She used all the scary medical jargon that makes you queasy. Neural tube defect, major abnormality, spina bifida. I was immediately overwhelmed with all the possibilities but she honestly doesn’t know, these are all just possibilities.
It’s amazing the immediate feelings of loss over what is still unknown. My son may never walk me to my seat at his wedding, he may never run, jump, climb trees, or play soccer. All of my worst fears for my any of my children came crashing to the front of my mind.
I held it together, got home, talked Chuck into going to the office and made my 3 beautiful children some breakfast. Then I took a few minutes and I prayed. I cried and I begged God for something I have never honestly asked for before.Wisdom. I just want to understand why I need to experience this. It is amazing to me how quickly God works sometimes. I read the book of James and I asked knowing that God would give me all the understanding that I needed but I didn’t quite expect him to give so quickly. Here is what I have come to understand in the last 4 hours.
1) My son doesn’t need 2 strong legs. He needs a love for God’s word, the ability to learn and the desire to teach.
2) My son doesn’t need 2 strong legs. God does not measure our worth to him through our ability to run, jump, climb trees, play soccer or even escort our mother to her seat at our wedding. If my son uses his life to glorify God and to love, encourage and teach those around him then he is worth much to God.
3) My son doesn’t need 2 strong legs. My son has a strong father, a loving mother, 2 big brothers and a big sister who will carry him. More than a physical family who will physically carry him, he also has a heavenly Father who will carry him in the most important way, spiritually.
4) My son doesn’t need 2 strong legs. I am learning as I get older, and as God helps humble me, that perfection cannot be based on an earthly standard. Having a whole body will not get you to heaven. Perfection can only be achieved through being wholly devoted to God and allowing God to make you complete.
I can hear people reading this and thinking it’s really just one point. We get it. Your son doesn’t need 2 strong legs. It becomes a pretty significant point though when you really think about it. My son may have 2 strong legs. Right now I don’t know. What I do know is that he doesn’t need them and because of that I am at peace.
By Brianna Ramseur
Brianna and her husband Chuck worship with the North Sheridan Road church of Christ where Chuck serves as a minister. They have two sweet boys (Malachi and Isaiah) and a sweet baby girl, Naomi with another boy due this fall. They graduated from the Bear Valley Bible Institute of Denver in 2010.