My students have already started to call me “Mrs. Milner.” If only it were that easy to legally change my name! I’m in a season of transition, or what my more dramatic self wants to call an identity crisis. But change is so often accompanied by a question of identity. What am I doing? Is this who I really am? Can I even do this?

I graduated from Freed-Hardeman University in 2015. Since I did not get the presumed Mrs. degree, I went on to get an M.S. degree in mathematics and ended up back at FHU as an instructor. The journey here was filled with ups and downs, but I did not make it on my own. Every step was supported by my family and friends, and despite my shortcomings, guided by God.

I grew up in a family that consistently went to worship together. From a young age, that was my plan: I would be a wife and mom. I would take my family to church. I would love and provide for my children like my mom so selflessly did for me and my sister. That plan was my main reason for pursuing a job in education. I was thinking ahead to what career would allow me to spend the most time with my children. When I reached the age of 24 (and really before then), I had to wrestle with that unmet desire. Friends, some even younger than me, were getting married and entering new life stages. Then, they started to have children of their own! I had to face this tension of rejoicing with them while at the same time questioning my purpose in life. I was expecting wife and mother to define me, but they didn’t. So, now what? What am I supposed to do with my life (or my summer breaks)? 

Thankfully, God gave me the time to address my discontentment. When I was looking for my cup to be filled through earthly things, like my relationship status or career, I was left feeling empty. Instead of striving after vanities, I needed to be a good steward of what God set before me, like in the parable of the talents in Matthew 25:14-30. I compared myself to others, and in doing so, I thought my life needed to look like theirs before making big decisions. I was like the servant hiding what the Master had appointed to him. This was not pleasing to God. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them (Eph. 2:10). I am His and created for His work. He does not instruct us to wait to begin His work, He wants us to daily be serving in His kingdom (Lk. 9:23). I had to surrender my plans for my life. My identity had to be fully set in Christ (Rom. 6:1–6).

With this purpose, my job at the community college and later at Freed-Hardeman became an opportunity to show the light of Christ to my students and coworkers. My relationships with friends in all sorts of life stages became a way for me to step in and love and serve them where they are. My summers gave me ample time to do so! I was able to go to Minnesota and care for my niece and nephew when my youngest niece was born, and that was an honor I do not take lightly. When an elder called me trying to gather a group for a last-minute mission trip to Peru, I was able to go. I used hobbies to connect with families at my church. Some young girls wanted to learn to crochet, so we would hang out and have so much fun crocheting and just talking! I could see God at work in me to encourage these girls who I pray will grow to faithfully serve Him.

When my will was to please my Father, my desire for earthly things became inconsequential. They were still present, but not my driving force. By striving to put to death the deeds of the flesh, the fruits of the Spirit were able to permeate my life. And that is what caught the attention of my husband. In his second text to me he stated, “I know you by some of your fruits I’ve seen at Estes, but I’d love to know more!”

When we began dating, I understood that we were both flawed individuals who had been saved by the abundant grace of God. I did not expect him to fix any part of me, and vice-versa. We were able to get to know each other as we truly are in Christ (Col. 3:3). I was prepared for the change from living alone for eight years to living with my husband to be hard. There have been challenges, but it has also been so good. We have shared sweet, joyous moments that I cherish dearly. We have walked through uncertain and tumultuous times. In those storms, I was able to see his patience, strength, and constant love.

Being four months in, I am not in a position to give life changing marriage insights. But my current struggle is one we can all relate to. I am having to challenge where I place my identity. Again. I wasn’t expecting this to resurface with marriage, but having been through it before, I am able to identify and face the problem with more clarity. Though, I have had to learn that I am not above my old thought patterns. I find it all too easy to turn to my husband to define me and to fill my life with purpose. What can I do to please him? What does he need from me in order to have a good day? At first glance, these thoughts seem helpful! But unfortunately, they are coming from a place of selfishness. I expect my actions to satisfy my husband and by extension me too. Then, after I have given of myself, I expect my husband to fulfill every need I have. Needs that I don’t even know how to describe.  I get stuck in this cycle. When I do, I say things and make decisions from a clouded mind. And sadly, I miss out on seeing the new opportunities that God has entrusted to me. 

In entering into marriage, we have not only combined our two lives, but also our ministries. My husband has a deep love for God and the amazing ability to connect with individuals from backgrounds quite different from mine. And he does not neglect to share the gospel with them! However, (I am ashamed to admit this) when I am staying in that clouded mindset, I can be envious of that time. But why?! He is an eager servant of God’s kingdom! That was one of the first things I noticed in him. I love seeing him give of his time and resources to study God’s word with all sorts of people.

However, when my identity and sense of purpose is misplaced in my husband, I am searching to be the top priority at all times. When I feel that I am not, I become hurt and defensive. I am consciously having to practice being sober-minded and not giving into my former ignorance like we read about in 1 Peter 1:13–16. Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.” I am working daily to circumcise my heart to seek after God and the fulfillment only He can give.

By the grace of God, I can recall the lesson I learned before marriage – He has called me higher. He has called me to His good work. My purpose is to please my Father. With this mindset shift, I can lean into this new work He has prepared for me. I can maintain the work He has already given me and learn how to serve alongside my husband. I can rejoice that together we have the opportunity to introduce another soul to the saving power of Jesus. I can be grateful that my husband is an example of a faithful and loving servant. By both of us loving God first, we can better and truly love each other (1 Jn. 4:7-12). 

While it will take time to adjust to the name Mrs. Milner, I can find peace in this transition and in those to come because I know where true peace comes from. We read Jesus’s words to His disciples in John 14:27, Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. No matter what may happen in this world, I can have the peace of God which surpasses all understanding in Christ Jesus (Phil. 4:7). I will set my identity in Him, again and again.

 

About the author: Timberly Milner lives in west Tennessee and is an instructor of mathematics at Freed-Hardeman University. Between semesters, she is most likely crocheting, catching up with friends, or enjoying Aeropress coffee on the deck with her husband and dog.