A few weeks ago, I walked into Wednesday night worship to find one of our teen guys alone on a pew. His eyes were red and his shoulders were slumped as he sat in complete dejection. His girlfriend had just broken up with him, & had broken his heart along with the relationship. This young man was struggling to even be at worship, because his, “ex” was also a member of our youth group & he could hardly stand to be around her. All night long, well-meaning brethren assured him that it would be okay, that a broken heart was a rite of passage & eventually he would find the girl for him, that the “trial & error” of dating was what the teen years were about.
Last summer I arrived for worship on Sunday morning to find the mother of one of our teen girls absolutely livid. Her daughter (14 years old) had been up all night crying because her boyfriend had just broken up with her. This mother was furious about the heartache her child had just endured, but was also constantly affirming that her daughter was better off without this young man, that she would just go out and find someone better.
Two days ago I happened to drive by our local elementary school during recess. I looked over at the playground as I passed to see several (what appeared to be) five- or six-year-old “couples” running around the playground holding hands.
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We all understand that dating leads to heartache, and oftentimes we think it’s “cute” when our little ones have a “boyfriend.” Should we be concerned? According to the CDC as of 2010:
- females aged 15-19 have the highest rates of chlamydia & gonorrhea of any age group.
- 15-24 year-olds represent 25% of the sexually active population and account for 50% of all new STDs.
- 30% of sexually active girls and 44% of sexually active males were not even in a relationship when they had their first sexual encounter.
- 32% of sexually active teen girls, 33% of sexually active teen guys have already had between 3-5 sexual partners.
- 17% of girls, 22% of sexually active teen guys have already had 6 or more partners.
- 13% of sexually active teen girls, 19% of active guys would be pleased if a pregnancy resulted from these encounters.
Do these statistics shock you? To be honest, they shock me, but they do not surprise me. I think we are all aware that premarital sex, unwed mothers, divorces, and STDs have reached epic proportions in our society, and even in the brotherhood! Sisters, if we keep doing what we have always done, we will get what we have always gotten.
A few times I have heard dating referred to as “practice for divorce.” People whose children are dating tend to get very upset at this comparison, but if we look at it honestly, I think we have to acknowledge that there is truth in it. Dating has become more and more prominent in our society. At the same time the rates of cohabitation and divorce have skyrocketed. When children date, they jump from relationship to relationship (much of the time before they are even old enough to understand what a relationship is supposed to be) and the minute something is not ideal they break up and move on to the next relationship.
What does this teach our children about what commitment is supposed to be? Not only that, but this practice is reinforcing to them that the goal of a relationship is for the other person to make them happy. If you’re not happy, move on. If the relationship isn’t perfect, move on. I have yet to hear of a marriage that is either perfect, or easy. Marriage takes work and commitment, a love that is based on a decision(not a feeling), and two people who desire to serve, not be served. How are our children learning any of that through dating?
I have visited with several people about courtship who respond to me, “Well, dating worked just fine for me!” First of all, did it really? What about the pieces of your heart that you gave to different partners along the way? Can you honestly say that you don’t remember those other people, how they treated you, how they kissed, how they made you feel? Every one of those touches, romantic dates, and even emotions was a first that you didn’t share with your husband, as well as a memory that you will always have.
Second of all, as a friend of mine, Alethea Trujillo, recently put it, “We can all say that we survived a train wreck, but why would we want that for our kids?” Just because dating is the way we met our spouses, doesn’t mean that it is the best way. If we are honest with ourselves, I think we will all have to admit that we have scars from our dating experiences. As Alethea expressed, I want so much more for my kids!
As Christians, we need to keep in mind 1 Peter 2:9-12. We talk a lot about how we are a chosen race and a royal priesthood, but so often we forget the context. Peter goes straight from that to saying, “Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh which wage war against your soul.” Peter says in this passage that we have been “called out of the darkness into His marvelous light.” Why in the world, once we are in the light of our Heavenly Father, would we send our kids back into the darkness?
As Christians, we are called to be pure! Paul says to Titus that for the pure, ALL things are pure. That would include the way we and our children choose our spouses also! This is why we have chosen courtship for our children. Is it the way my husband and I met? No. But it is a better way. It’s a way to help protect the purity of my children’s hearts and minds, in addition to their bodies. It is a way to show the light and purity of Christ to a lost, dying world, and it is a way to keep our children unstained from the world (James 1:27).
by Lacy Crowell
Lacy and her husband Jonathan are both graduates of the Bear Valley Bible Institute. They currently live in Holdenville, Oklahoma, where Jonathan serves as an evangelist for the East Main church of Christ in Holdenville. Lacy enjoys writing and speaking for ladies’ days. She spends her days at home caring for her husband and her three daughters and year-and-a-half old son.
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Welcome! We are so glad you stopped by. Come Fill Your Cup is a group of Christian ladies dedicated to equipping women for study and service. We know you are busy and that life’s hectic pace pulls you in so many directions, but you can’t truly be the woman God desires unless you take time to fill your own cup…not with spa days (though we love a good spa!) or the latest novel…but with God’s Holy Word. We want to help you with that! Our goal is to reach you in the midst of your busy day and give you encouragement, education, and fellowship as you strive to live the life God has laid before you. Our prayer is that we can help fill your cup so that you, in turn, can overflow to all those around you. So, as we like to say…come fill your cup, and let it overflow!
amen!!! Yes, I survived a train wreck, but so want better for our children.
Wow!!!! If that article does not help people understand why we would want to choose courtship for our chialdren, I don’t know what will. Great article! !!!!!
*children. Typing on my phone is not the easiest.
Such encouragement! Thank you, Lacy – your articles always touch my heart. And thank you, CFYC for this series on courtship!
Although I agree so much with all the thoughts on courtship that were presented in your articles, I wanted to take a minute to express a word of caution when it comes to courtship.
So you understand where I am coming from, my daughter recently ended what we considered to be a courtship with a young man whom we had known him and his family since he was very young. Although they were young, from all words and actions, they were both very committed to a godly future together. They were about to become officially engaged, when my daughter discovered some very ungodly actions that the young man was involved in, and the many lies he had told her and us to cover them up.
Needless to say, she is heartbroken and is now dealing with the many frightening decisions that she must make about a future that will be nothing like the one they planned. There is also much difficulty and pain between two families that were close friends for many years.
Although I totally agree that the typical American way of dating causes much heartbreak, courtship is not full proof either. As long as there is sin in the world (and we know there always will be), people will hurt each other and make mistakes.
We must make the best choices we can, and teach our children to do the same. We must follow God’s word, and consistently model it to them. We must guide them to make the best decisions they can, but Satan is still seeking to devour them.
God’s word doesn’t give us one specific way for people to find their mates. If you look at successful long-term marriages, many of them began in different ways. Young or old, short or long courtships or engagements, the people entering into them and their commitment to God and each other is what made for a successful marriage.
God’s word does tell us what kind of mate to look for, and what kind of behavior to avoid along the way. As a parent, it is a scary world, and much prayer is needed to guide us through.
Thank you so much for the thought provoking articles! May we all work to raise the kind of young people that will be ready to be a godly wife/husband and then a godly mother/father!
Great job, Lacey! Luke and I are committed to courtship in some form (still working out the details) for our children as well. I always tell my Jr. High students on Sunday mornings that once I met Luke I wished that I’d never even held another boy’s hand, let alone anything else with them. I felt guilty that I’d cheated on Luke before I even knew him! We must teach our children to protect their hearts and bodies.
Deborah, thank you for pointing out that not any one way is unflawed. It has concerned me reading the articles that many parents will jump on this band wagon with out considering the possible consequences. We have all been fooled by someone. I don’t think that courting makes this go away, just as your story confirms. Just as homeschooling doesn’t assure parents of Godly children, courting doesn’t assure parents of a heartbroken or pure child. Just homeschooling or just requiring your child to court does not prevent every problem. You still have to do the hard teaching. I think the important point that should be taken from all these articles is that we have many choices on how to raise our children, but we must focus on our goal, Heaven, and choose what works best for our family remembering that no choice elimates the hard work.
Very strong and honest words. I’m thankful that we can learn from each other and grow stronger in our convictions. Thank you Lacy.
Deborah, I’m thankful that you are there to help your daughter through this. That’s what it’s all about. Sorry that she was hurt.
Thank you all for the comments on this topic. Lacy, you did a great job articulating your point-of-view. I’m with you, courtship seems the better way.
I have always wondered what might happen if the courting process didn’t work out so I really appreciate the comments by Deborah and Deanna. Much food for thought on these articles!
Good article. I would like to suggest two books on this subject. “I Kiss Dating Goodbye” and “Boy Meets Girl”.
Those are good books! Readers can find a list of recommended books here: http://comefillyourcup.com/2011/06/02/purity-training-and-courtship-books/
Sisters, thank you so much for so many excellent points! I absolutely agree that there is no, “fool-proof plan” that will free us from our parental obligations to our children. Deborah, I am so sorry for what your family & your sweet daughter have been through. We live in a world of darkness & unfortunately it is not humanly possible to protect our children from every heartache & pain, I too am thankful that you are there to help your daughter through this. As several have pointed out, there is certainly a lot to consider in this issue. Who they will choose as a mate is the 2nd most important decision our children will ever make. This certainly should not be a, “band-wagon” issue, but rather one that is approached humbly and prayerfully by both children & parents.
Love you, sister! Thank you for another wonderful article. Thank you Debbie for reminding us to be cautious with courtship as well, even with other Christians. I am proud of your daughter though for making the tough decision that she did! Love you all!
EXCELLENT, sister!
Love this article! Thank you, Lacy!
Thank you for your thoughts, Lacy. I enjoy reading about ways that our young Christian children can meet another Christian who will share their godly walk in this world. :o)
I am surprised that so many Christians are trying to take sides in a dating/courtship competition. So sad!! I can understand that the basis of “courtship” is to try to provide a more appropriate and godly way to meet a future spouse. Common sense tells us that we need to be careful when our children are looking for a future mate. We are all sinners and of course something could go wrong with a “courtship”. We have seen the dangers with a casual attitude in dating and we can be sure that there may be difficult times in some courtships. Sadly, we live in a world full of human errors. Parents need to put God first and pray constantly for guidance in raising their children. It is true that God’s Word does not provide us a specific check list, but it is a good thing when Christian parents suggest things and offer helpful information for encouragement in ways parents can help their children to find a godly mate. :o) It is good to have a plan or guide. :o) As Christians, we shouldn’t take sides, but offer advice to help us all reach our goal of a Heavenly Home someday. God bless you and all parents, as we strive to please our Heavenly Father.
I think that being friends first is the best way to start a relationship. Young people seem to jump into dating to get to know someone. That seems a little dangerous to me. I think the real trouble is our desire to be popular, to belong, or the excitement of a boyfriend is greater than our common sense and worse our desire to do what God would want! Teenagers don’t always have this maturity. Young people are in too big of a hurry to slow down and listen to their inner voice that questions if they are making the right decisions. We, parents have to be the voice of reason for our children and set rules/guidelines for our children. We need to ask the tough questions and teach them common sense. Courtship? Dating? Friends? Hummmm…
Excellent article Lacy! Why wouldn’t we want this for our children! My husband and I are so happy that our sons will have a better way than we had.
After reading this article and the comments, and thinking about all of it, I would like to point something out. I agree that the general approach to dating probably does contribute to the divorce rate, although I am inclined to think it is mostly another symptom of the underlying heart problem that leads to divorce. However, I do not think that we can fairly condemn it based on the argument that emotions are involved. I know from experience, as I am sure others do also, that one doesn’t have to be “dating” or “courting” or anything official to be emotionally involved with someone. Having strong feelings for someone of the opposite sex is part of the process of being a teenager and learning to deal with grown-up things happening in a child’s body. We cannot squash that in our children, no matter how hard we try, because it is part of the physical transformation we go through. We cannot, and should not try, to protect our children from every pain and heartache. Learning to deal with heartache and coming to understand the difference between schoolchild crushes and real deep relationships is crucial. That is what we should be focusing on, teaching that difference both from birth and in the context of each and every hurt, helping our children to control and direct their feelings into godly behavior. I personally do not think children should be allowed to date; I think that by the time a person is old enough to be thinking seriously about relationships they are too old for the parents to be making decisions for them so the question of “what we will allow” is irrelevent. Just my thoughts; I know many will disagree on that point.
It is because of our children’s strong emotional feelings that we want to protect them. Young unprepared kids with strong emotional feelings should not be dating. Dating and courtship and the decisions each family makes are very important in that purity is not just about not having sex. We should help guide our children in what happens in their hearts, not just their bodies. Sure, we can all be forgiven, but how beautiful is a wedding where the bride and groom can greet all visitors without having to avert their eyes? This is not a jump on the band wagon issue, and certainly nothing to argue about. Just something to prayerfully consider and be stronger in helping to guard the hearts and souls of those that God placed in our care. They are not arrows until they are fully prepared. When it’s time, we send them out to make their own decisions, but a grown child seeking advice from a parent is a beautiful thing. I am so thankful that our Christian sisters can help us learn these things.
Hello as a 22 year old I see that this article is geared toward teenagers that live at home…sigh..I’m hoping to read about dating or courting from a young adult view. I’ve never had a boyfriend..I live with my sister aka roomie…I’m very lost and a tyro when it comes to this dating stuff bc I’ve never experienced any form of dating in high school. My mentallity is very under-devolped for this sort of thing. 🙁 thanks sisters in christ.
Hello sweet sister! I love & appreciate your heart! If you can find me on facebook, I would love to message you some pointers & ideas! There’s also a lot of really great literature out there. 🙂 Our facebook is under Jonathan-Lacy Crowell