To My Unborn Child
Whose life was taken from me
Whose face on earth I will never see
I do not understand why
Someone who was never born had to die
In my heart there is a gaping hole
A place that is cut to my very soul
I do not have the words to say
I do not know how to see the way
I feel a loss that is hard to define
Because it seems you were never truly mine
I wonder how you would have looked
Whether after your mother or father you would have took
I know that you are in heaven in God’s care
And I pray that someday I can meet you there
I just somehow wish that you could know
That you have a father here who loved you so
All is not lost because through the suffering and pain
A great lesson was mine to gain
You reminded me just how tender and precious children can be
How much fun it is to have them to hold on your knee
I thank you my child for humbling me
Through your loss I better see the true blessings in my family
I miss and I love you so
I hope one day your face to know
I want you to know that in our family you will always be a part
I will always carry you in my heart
Take care my beloved little one and wait for me
While you play on your heavenly Father’s knee
Love, Daddy (Jonathan Crowell)
This is a poem that my wonderful husband wrote after we suffered the loss of a pregnancy. He captured my roiling emotions much better than I ever could, and verbalized what my heart was breaking to say. Of all the pains this world has to offer, I believe that the loss of a child, in any form, can be one of the most devastating. How do you make sense of it? How do you understand? Like Jonathan said in the poem, why did someone so innocent, who had never even been born, have to die?
As if the pain and loss were not enough, there is also the fact that for some reason, our society has tabooed talk of a miscarriage. Many people do not even tell loved ones they are pregnant until they are past their first trimester for fear of losing the baby. In fact, we were personally faced with this when we lost our precious little one, because very few people knew that we had been pregnant. What do we do now? Do we tell people? We were hurting so deeply, but we were honestly afraid to tell anyone because, “That is just something people do not talk about.”
Fortunately, we decided to tell our church family what had happened. On a Wednesday evening, in tears, my sweet husband told our brethren that our little one had gone to the Lord. The result was an outpouring of love that I could never have imagined. So many women came up to me at that point and shared their past pain with me. I never knew so many families had been touched by the loss of a child in one way or another. I received cards and phone calls of love and support. My sisters in Christ even went so far as to bring meals to my home for my family while I recovered from the physical trauma that is also involved in the loss of a baby. Without their love and support, I do not know how we would have made it through such a trying time.
So if you are in this situation, if you are dealing with the loss of a precious baby, how do you handle it? My first suggestion is to be thankful for a loving Almighty God! It did me so much good to remember Scriptures such as Psalm 139:13, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.” I may never have gotten to meet my precious little one, but God has! In fact He understands the struggles my precious little one went through in a way that I never could and never will. Also Jeremiah 1:5, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you.” God has always known my sweet baby. And because of the innocence and purity that can only be found in the soul of a child my little one is waiting for me at the Father’s side! What an extra motivation to get to Heaven!
My second piece of advice, is in the wee hours of the morning, when your heart is breaking and you cannot sleep, pray. For me it helped to write out my prayers, others don’t like to, but in one way or another turn your pain over to God. His shoulders can handle it much better than yours can. Christ tells us to lay our cares upon Him, and take up the peace only He can offer (1 Peter 5:7).
Thirdly, I recommend finding some time to be alone with your husband. It is my experience that traumatic events either strengthen or damage a relationship. Don’t let this come between you and your husband. And remember, even if he doesn’t vocalize it as much, he is hurting just as much as you are. My husband did not write his poem until a year and 1/2 later, right before the birth of the son we were blessed with after our miscarriage. But the pain was just as real to him then as when it first happened.
My final piece of advice is to take your pain to your brethren. My wonderful husband is fond of saying, “The church is for us, not for God.” Meaning God established the church because He knew we would need the love and support of each other to get through this life. Please take advantage of that. So many women out there have been through exactly what you are going through; let them be there for you.
Now, for those of you who aren’t going through the loss of a child yourself, but know someone who is, what do you do? Simply be there. All people are different, and all deal differently with loss. Some will want to talk, some will want to stay busy, some will simply want the comfort of someone being there because they care. But please do not ignore their pain. Do not let the “taboo” stop you from helping a hurting sister. Call and check on her, take her a meal, send her a card, offer to babysit for a while if she has other children… anything to show her that you care.
Unfortunately, this world is full of cares and sorrows. Pregnancy and infant loss is one of them. Sisters, let’s strengthen our relationships. Let’s rely on each other and be there for each other in the good times and bad, in the easy times and the hard. That requires both being there for someone who is hurting, and being willing to go to others when you are the one hurting. May God’s grace and comfort go with us all every day.