Editor’s Note:We’re doing something a bit unique for CFYC this month. Normally we’re all about women encouraging women, but this month, we decided to shake things up a little. We’ve invited some godly brothers in the faith to give us their two cents. What would these men say to a captive audience of their sisters in Christ if they had the opportunity? What do they think we need to know? Join us this month as we bring you lessons from men of God just for women.
A quick internet search of what men/husbands want from their women/wives returns some 16 million results. There are articles in women’s magazines and elsewhere telling women how to be irresistible to guys. There may be a few things that are standard among men in general, but every husband, every wife, every marriage is unique. This is one of the beauties of the way God created the human race. Even so-called identical twins are different in a multitude of ways. Understanding and embracing those differences (not just the physical differences between men and women, but the mental, emotional, social, spiritual, financial, and historical differences that make your husband unique with a distinct personality and character) is what will make you the wife you should be to your husband.
I saw a comment board on the internet that asked what the best and worst marriage advice people had ever gotten was. Several of the responses were interesting, but there is only one that really sticks in my memory. One woman said that an older married woman had given her some specific advice on how to satisfy her husband sexually. It had apparently worked for the other woman who seemed to have been happily married for many years, so the younger woman tried it. The initial result was total failure. Her husband was repulsed by the idea. There was a silver lining, however, the woman and her husband actually communicated about what would be satisfying for them in their relationship. You may be able to get some good general advice from others by asking what has worked for them, but for specifics you need to get it from the horse’s mouth. Just because 85% of men want a certain thing doesn’t mean your husband does. There are 15% who don’t like that thing maybe he is one of them.
The New Testament is clear about God’s intended plan for successful marriage. We know He said that there should be one man and one woman for life, but have we really grasped the implications of that arrangement? Let’s consider a few verses:
1) 1 Corinthians 7:2-4 “But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” The focus of this verse is sexual sin, but the beauty of each husband having one wife that willingly submits her body to him and each wife having one husband who willingly submits his body to her affects every area of married life.
2) Ephesians 5:24 “But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.” The subject here is submission, but the principle that I want to point to is that the wife does not have to be subject to all the husbands in the world, only to her own. If all the women in the world read this article, there is only one who would need to be concerned about what I want from a wife. How impossible life would be if God expected you to submit to all the husbands in the church or even to two different husbands.
3) 1 Corinthians 7:32-34 “But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and his interests are divided. The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband.”
God expects husbands and wives to please each other. He doesn’t tell us to do what other people say would please our spouse. Neither does he tell us to guess or do what we think would please us if we were in their position. In marriage the golden rule has been misinterpreted and thereby abused. Imagine a husband that at each birthday gives his wife the gift he wants her to give him, and vice versa. That may sound to some like the golden rule, but it is not. How does the wife really want her husband to treat her? She wants him to take the time and effort to find out what she desires and then give her those things. Properly interpreted, the golden rule would teach her to find out what her husband needs and desires and do those things, and the husband would do that for her as well.
You can’t just take any Christian man and any Christian woman and think that they will automatically have a great marriage because they are Christians. They may not have anything else in common. There were many eligible Christian women when I was looking for a wife, but some were not interested in me as a husband and I was not interested in others. There were other men interested in my wife, but she chose me and I chose her because our goals and dreams, interests and likes fit together as well as our personalities clicking and having a physical interest. Many of those others have gone on to be happily married, but never would have been as happy with one of us and we would not have been as happy with one of them as we are with each other.
Your husband doesn’t need you to be a Christian sister, a mother, or a daughter. He doesn’t just need you to be a good Christian wife. What he needs is for you to be HIS good Christian wife.
He needs you to be the wife that he needs, not what some other man’s wife needs to be. Being a good wife to your husband is about what makes your husband excel and move closer to his full potential. Frankly, there are some women whose husbands are thrilled with them, and I am glad they are, but if I had to be married to them it would drive me crazy. There is probably at least one man out there that would think the same thing if he had to have my wife, but fortunately, they got theirs and I got mine.
The short of it is this: quit trying to be the wife your dad, mom, brothers, sisters, friends, neighbors, coworkers, bosses, fellow Christians, bloggers, magazine editors, children, preachers, preachers’ wives, heroines, role models, and even you think you ought to be and ask your husband what kind of wife HE wants you to be. Then do your best to be that wife as long as it will not keep you from being a faithful child of God.
By James Pasley
James Pasley has been preaching for the church in Ferriday, LA for 2 years. He has been extremely happily married to Dawn (who has been mostly happily married) since June 11, 1994. They have 5 children: a son,11; a daughter 8; a daughter 2.5; and 2 daughters 8 months