Find the Introduction HERE

EDITOR’S NOTE: Adultery is a topic the Bible discusses frequently, yet is often neglected in our congregations and in our homes. Instead of perpetuating the misunderstanding, shame, and pain caused by remaining silent about this subject, Come Fill Your Cup is pleased to shine Christ’s light on the issue and present this spiritually-grounded series on marital infidelity from a sister who has lived through it.

Our prayer for you and plea to you is the same as Paul’s in Ephesians 5:11-13: “Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them…for all things become visible when they are exposed by the light.”

Part One: Supporting Someone through Marital Betrayal

Marital betrayal may be one of the hardest trials someone could ever go through, and it may be the hardest thing you support a loved one through. So many people have left the church due to a lack of support rather than due to the marriage situation itself. No pressure, but your supporting role is critical! It is important that you have some understanding and some practical things to do.  

Let’s start with a passage that can be used in a manipulative way when it comes to someone who has experienced the infidelity of a spouse: 

Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over how own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:2-5)

These verses are often misrepresented in cases of betrayal. Paul is stating what should occur within a healthy marriage, not a broken one. A wife cannot render affection to a husband she does not feel safe with; and if she does, it isn’t authentic. Marriage can be a way to prevent fornication, but it is not a guarantee. Many times, when betrayal is committed, the wife IS performing her sexual duty to her husband, but he is still led astray by his own lust (James 1:14). 

When a husband is cheating, in a sense, he is raping his wife. I’m in no way trying to downplay the trauma an actual rape victim experiences, but I want you to understand the trauma incurred in this situation, too. He is a fraud, manipulating her and depriving her of love. She would never consent to being with him if she knew the truth. Forcing yourself to be sexually intimate with your spouse after betrayal can create pain, devastation, and marital setbacks. Please, do not tell a wife that she must sleep with the husband who has committed infidelity. After sexual trauma, a female’s body can react with pain during intercourse because it is connected to her emotions. I encourage you to look into the science of the matter.

Intimacy does not equate to marriage even though marriage is the only place for the sacred union. There has to be time to understand what went wrong and how to prevent it in the future. Sexual relations do not answer the questions or heal the heartaches. Sex does not equal repentance or forgiveness. Let’s stop pretending that it is a cure-all for troubled marriages. Get the other things right, and then the intimacy may have a chance to return.

What is the betrayer supposed to do with his sexual desires? He’s supposed to show his wife sacrificial love (Ephesians 5:33). If he is 100% committed to continuing his marriage, he may have to forgo sexual pleasures for a long while. He will have to live with her, understanding what he’s done to cause her pain (1 Peter 3:7). If the wife chooses divorce (when that’s an option), he may have to forgo sexual pleasure for the rest of his life (assuming he wants to please the Lord). Either way, he will have to quickly develop the self-control that he previously lacked. God tries to warn us because He knows the consequences of sin. When we don’t heed the warnings, we suffer (Proverbs 6:27, 28). 

In the case of the innocent parties, not only do they suffer the injury of the betrayal itself, they also suffer due to the ignorance of good-hearted brethren. This is partly because sexual infidelity has not been discussed openly in past generations. At some point, we all either need to ask for forgiveness or give forgiveness. If you have mishandled any of these situations, it’s okay to ask for forgiveness. It is also okay to forgive yourself. Here are some practical suggestions for supporting the innocent in a Godly, beneficial way:

  

1. Help provide for their spiritual needs. Do not preach about marriage, but provide scripture to remind them how important they are to God. Pray with and for them. They are in a deep spiritual fight and need you to battle with them in prayer. 
2. Do not demand they forgive.
3. Do not suggest divorce or reconciliation. That is their own decision to make.
4. Encourage them to take their time in making a decision. Remember, repentance doesn’t happen quickly. Improved habits over time make the difference. 
5. Buy them bubble-bath, not affair recovery books. If you want, suggest a book, then buy them a gift card. Let them decide.
6. Do not suggest marriage counseling.
7. Do suggest individual counseling, specifically on handling trauma. It is often best for the betrayed to work on this alone before jumping into marriage counseling.
8. Do not tell them to sleep with the betrayer!
9. Just listen.
10. Be patient! It is like grief. They will need your support and prayers for an extended time. It’s best to take it slow when making these life-altering choices. 
11. Vow Renewal is good, but it does not mean everything is back to normal. This is going to take work for a long time, even when they are committed to the relationship.
12. It is okay to “take both sides.” Many times, people don’t want to take sides because it puts them in an uncomfortable position. It’s okay to help the betrayed find healing and it’s okay to help the betrayer work towards repentance.
13. Never assume someone is strong. You never know just how weak they are at that moment. There is a reason why country songs are written about suicide after betrayal. If you are dealing with a friend or are one who has suicidal thoughts, get help immediately.
14. Divorce may be allowed in some situations. Let them figure out what is best for them spiritually. Remarriage is not always allowed, depending on the situation. Never encourage reconciliation based on sexual needs.
15. Do not forget about the betrayer. Check in with the betrayer. They are likely hurting, too. They also have a soul that needs to be looked after.
16. Ask to do something for their kids or to babysit. It doesn’t matter how old the kids are, if they are in the home or grown and on their own: they are struggling. Acknowledge that they must be hurting and provide comfort to them, too.
17. If someone asks for your advice, then feel free to give it, but never make them feel pressured to take it. 
18. If you know someone is having an affair, then tell! That is the most loving thing you can do for the betrayed and for the betrayer. The longer it goes on, the worse it is. It is your business, especially if you care about either one of them. If you believe the one you’re bringing this news to won’t listen, tell anyway. It’s up to them to accept the truth; it is your job to deliver it. 
19. If you are a church leader or a friend, please do whatever it takes to study this matter more fully. Be approachable to the hurting.