Find the Introduction HERE, Part One HERE, and Part Two HERE

EDITOR’S NOTE: Adultery is a topic the Bible discusses frequently, yet is often neglected in our congregations and in our homes. Instead of perpetuating the misunderstanding, shame, and pain caused by remaining silent about this subject, Come Fill Your Cup is pleased to shine Christ’s light on the issue and present this spiritually-grounded series on marital infidelity from a sister who has lived through it.

Our prayer for you and plea to you is the same as Paul’s in Ephesians 5:11-13: “Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them…for all things become visible when they are exposed by the light.”

Part Three: Accepting Your Lot (It’s a Lot!)

If you are new to this pain, you do not have to know what the ending looks like yet, but if you want it to be a happy ending, keep your faith intact. A marriage may or may not survive, but your soul simply must! Everything is going to hurt. It feels worse than death because this adultery was a choice made. If you are feeling crazy, then you’re feeling what every woman before you has felt.

Your brain is seeking to comprehend your new reality, so it’s questioning everything. No one seems trustworthy or safe. You are unsure of every decision you make. You’re angry about what’s occurred but also angry about how it’s affecting you—and that’s okay (Ephesians 4:26)!

You will compare yourself to the affair person or whoever it is that has taken your husband’s attention. Your self-worth is lost. No matter how much your husband tries to build you up, he probably said those same things to her, too. It may even be hard to believe that God cares for you. These emotions can be blinding to the truth.

You may feel like a failure as a wife and as a Christian. 1 Corinthians 7:2 says, “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife….” We often think of this verse and believe simply by being a wife, we can prevent our men from committing sexual sins. Ladies, you are more than a sexual sin preventer! You were created to be a helpmate in ALL things, not just in the bedroom. You cannot prevent your husband from sinning, no matter how wonderful you are. Those sins come from his own lusts and desires (James 1:14).

You may have a desperate need to feel validated. The temptation to get that from other men may become an alluring idea. It will seem like revenge and validation could be wrapped up in the same package. That is just another lie our emotions like to tell us. It won’t take away your pain, and no matter how much revenge you take, you’ll never feel like your spouse has suffered as much as you have. Not to mention the guilt that would be added to your list of negative emotions. Leave room for God to settle scores; don’t try to do it yourself (Romans 12:19).

You will spend a lot of time ruminating. Even if you get the horrible details, you will never have them all. Take some time to determine how much you want to know about the affair, pornography use, or whatever it is. For some women, it helps them live in the truth of the matter; for others, it makes it harder to recover. Though it may seem impossible, be careful how you think (Philippians 4:8, 2 Corinthians 10:5).

Jealousy says, “Why does my husband get to have his cake and eat it too, but then I’m supposed to just deal with it?” (Proverbs 14:30). It probably seems like the sinner is getting all the sympathy. We hear preachers give comforting sermons, telling adulterers that they can find forgiveness as David did, but there are very few comforting sermons preached for hurting women. Sin is just not fair, and that is its evil nature.

We can accept our lot only after we’ve experienced the many emotions that help our brains finally process why our life isn’t normal. Accepting our lot means we accept the fact that we will now live differently because life is different and we’re different, too. Just like we never get over the death of a loved one but we learn to live without their presence, infidelity, too, will change how we carry on.

Sexual sin takes the innocence out of love. There may be romantic gestures you can never experience again without being reminded of the pain. Certain terms of endearment may make you feel nauseous. Restaurants, cars, or workplaces will never again be just those things, but will instead be monuments to evil disasters in your marriage.  

Yet in acceptance, a door of hope is reopened. It may not look like what you expected, but you can find contentment. If you stay together, there may not be speeches at your 50th-anniversary party about being faithful to each other. However, the most important speech will be about your faithfulness to the Lord. No matter what happens in the marriage, the goal must be to stand firm in your faith. 

Women enduring these kinds of deep emotions are very susceptible to walking away from God. This must be taken seriously. Here are some practical ways to handle your emotions or to help someone through theirs:

1. Separation can be very helpful. Getting away from the source of conflict can help you each work on your pain. In anger, God puts sinners out of sight (2 Kings 17:18). We, too, can put a relationship on hold when sin has entered in.
2. Talk with a friend, counselor, or church leader. If talking is too hard, then journal or record your thoughts. 
3. Put one foot in front of the other. If spiritual things are hard, ask a friend to pray for you and text you small verses daily. If you are that friend, send verses about God’s love for her and verses of encouragement, not verses on marriage.
4. Feel the pain. Don’t try to cover it up with drugs or alcohol; that will only prolong and increase suffering. God is closer to you in this pain than He is to the most upright, non-suffering Christians (Psalm 34:18). He is bottling your tears (Psalm 56:8). This is part of the healing process that God created in us.
5. Know that God understands. Read Hosea and many passages where spiritual adultery is committed. He knows what you’re feeling and going through, because He’s gone through it, too.
6. Just like we are instructed not to make big life choices within a year after the death of a loved one, do not rush into decisions after finding out about the infidelity of your spouse. Don’t let others hurry your decision. Give yourself the time you need to grieve through and process these emotions.
7. Acknowledge and celebrate the amount of time you’ve endured. You’re doing hard things. Even if you don’t get yourself a material item, give yourself a pat on the back and share it with a friend.
8. Realize that being with the church while feeling these emotions is hard. Find a designated friend to sit with. Get a sister to meet you at your car and walk you into the building. Cry openly. Let the church see the pain. Let them mourn with you (Romans 12:15). 
9. If your spouse is also attending the same congregation, you do not have to sit together. It may be hard to see him there. If you have kids, let them choose where to sit. They may be more comfortable with their dad or even another close church member. It’s hard for kids, too.
10.  Sing and pray “Thou Fount of Every Blessing,” particularly the 3rd stanza. You’ll want to run, but let God’s grace be a fetter binding you to Him.
11. Put on the armor of God, because Satan’s arrows are aimed directly at you (Ephesians 6:10-18).
12.  Don’t believe for one second that this is your fault. Read God’s Word and make yourself a truth journal. Write, draw, paint, or make collages of all the ways God loves you, keeps you safe, and works through you.