Find the Introduction HERE, Part One HERE, Part Two HERE, and Part Three HERE

EDITOR’S NOTE: Adultery is a topic the Bible discusses frequently, yet is often neglected in our congregations and in our homes. Instead of perpetuating the misunderstanding, shame, and pain caused by remaining silent about this subject, Come Fill Your Cup is pleased to shine Christ’s light on the issue and present this spiritually-grounded series on marital infidelity from a sister who has lived through it.

Our prayer for you and plea to you is the same as Paul’s in Ephesians 5:11-13: “Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them…for all things become visible when they are exposed by the light.”

Part Four: What About the Kids?

In the last article, we talked about all the pain incurred by sexual sins. Often, we look at the way women respond to the hurt of infidelity and think, “No wonder her husband cheated; she does have problems.” But unless you know, you do not understand how emotionally painful, mentally draining, and spiritually hard this trial is. Finding out you’ve been living in someone else’s lies makes you question everything. Nothing feels safe in this world anymore. After a woman is told her husband has cheated on her, of course she will not be the same. Traumatic events cause changes in our behaviors!

One area where this is most difficult is with our children. Children can develop a negative attitude toward their mother, who is overcome with the side effects of her spouse’s sexual sin. This is often because they no longer recognize who their mom is. She has changed. She’s angry and emotional all the time. Kids can take a parent’s hurt and misconstrue it to mean the whole mess is their fault, or maybe they think it’s all mom’s fault. They may build up resentment. This can further devastate a woman’s self-esteem. This sin affects women in nearly every single area of life, not just marriage. 

Women can be tempted to think their children are better off without them. That is NOT true. Please don’t let that lie dwell in your mind one second longer! Remind your kids and yourself that sin makes us feel things that aren’t truthful. Together, parents should sit down with the kids and give age-appropriate explanations about why their home is not normal. We should not shield them from the sorrow of sin, but instead help them find comfort in the Lord. Pray together. Be open about the tears. Tell them more often than ever that you love them, give hugs, and give them patience.

Explain to your kids that when this type of sin is committed, it can take a very long time to feel better. We can get a little help from friends and counselors and each other, but it will still take a very long time. Show them a calendar. Let them have a physical picture of how long this pain might go on. Talk about Psalm 13:2 and how God knows that it feels so long but still wants us to remember we can trust in Him while we wait patiently for it to pass. Teach them about Psalm 22. Show the desperation in the first part of the psalm and show the blessings in the last half. Show them scriptures about trials and discuss them together (Romans 8:28, Romans 5:3-5, James 1:2-4, 1 Peter 4:12-13, 1 Peter 1:6-7, and 2 Corinthians 4:16-17 to name a few). Ask them to write down some of the scriptures or draw pictures reflecting the scriptures and hang them around the house. Help them understand that there will come a time when things will be better, but it will take a while.

Never put Dad down (Ephesians 4:29). It’s okay to say your tears are because you’re thinking about the sin Dad committed. It’s acceptable to say Dad sinned. Let the kids know that the sin committed does have consequences in the marriage. Feelings will be difficult, and there will be tension, but that doesn’t mean Dad is an evil person. Unless there is something else going on, they need to know they can still trust their dad to care for them.

The horrible feelings are going to make you exhausted. Patience and time with the kids will feel like a monumental task. Patience is a big part of the struggle (James 1:2-4). Sit on the couch and listen to audiobooks or watch movies together. It won’t require much motion or mental exertion on your part, but you can still get snuggles. Let them help you with a truth book. You can also let them stay with trusted friends or relatives. You will need sleep and time to reflect. 

Spousal separation can help (1 Corinthians 7:10, 11). When parents are together, the tension likely will be there too. It can cause kids to feel anxious. When they can have alone time with each parent, they will be able to feel more relaxed. Please don’t misunderstand: most kids do not want their parents to be apart, but they also don’t want awful feelings when they are together. Kids will worry about one parent when they are not present. They are concerned for their well-being. If separation occurs, you will need to address those concerns and allow communication. Separation can be good for both parents and kids if it’s handled correctly. 

Listen to your kids. They are going to be hurting terribly. Give them opportunities to share their thoughts, but don’t force it. Counseling for your children may be helpful, but they can also find help within the family. Let them know that if they want to tell other people how they are feeling, that is okay. Encourage other adults, like grandparents or aunts and uncles, to ask your children how they are feeling and to acknowledge that it must be hard for them. Kids must experience empathy from others so they can learn how to be empathetic people, too (1 Corinthians 12:26). Remind them often to pray about their worries (1 Peter 5:7) and see how God provides. Don’t leave out the grown children. They are hurting, too.

No matter what happens in the marriage, it should be the goal of both parents to bring their children up in the Lord (Ephesians 6:1-4) and exemplify faithfulness even when it’s hard. This run-in with sin can be an excellent teaching tool. Remind your kids what you are working for. Crowns are not obtained without hard work and trials such as this (James 1:12).