Sitting in a doctors office waiting for the news, knowing that it won’t be just what I want to hear. What mother deserves to hear it? What child deserves to die? Knowing my thoughts were selfish, knowing my babies would go sit next to God, I couldn’t help but feel a little angry, a little selfish!
As the doctor entered through the door, his face so gloomy and I could see he didn’t want to say, but knew what he had to do. “Are you sure you don’t want to wait for your husband to get here?” In my selfishness, I had demanded I go alone. I began to cry and fold my head into my lap, I asked “what did I do wrong?” As he explained the complications and what exactly happened, even though I understood, I didn’t want to face it. I didn’t believe it was real. As he explained what would happen within the next few days, I remember thinking “I wish he was here, I wish he would have demanded to come” but how were we to know that our babies would be on their way to heaven? I sat inside my car and pulled out my phone. Some how through the tears I dialed my mother’s number. As I went on telling her, she replied “Honey, it’s not your fault, don’t blame yourself. Sometimes things like this happen and you have to remember that you have four children at home. Everything will be alright, I promise. I am here.”
Some how along the way I forgot about the four. I forgot that I was already a mother and God has blessed me richly. Even though my heart was hurting I needed that reminder.
It took me some time to heal and deal with what had happened, it took me time to understand that I would have to kneel and pray and that this would be another notch on the belt for me to share with others, another trial I had beat with God by my side.
I know that I am not alone; I understand that this type of sadness happens. I know that God knew I could get through this and that I in turn could help others get through the same thing.
Reading the Bible was one of the things that helped me. I often reminded myself of certain scriptures (Psalm 127:3). I knew how blessed I already was for having my four children. I knew that if my womb was closed I would be ok because I had four beautiful hearts to protect and to guide. Children are so precious to God and He allowed me to love four of His precious gifts. We need to understand that He allows us women to have these children and they are some of the most precious gifts that He allows us to share. We have to remember that through trials (James 1:2, 12) we learn and even though I had to say goodbye to my precious babies before I could meet them, even the short time I had them inside my womb I loved them and knowing they are in heaven with God makes me desire the road to heaven even more so. So within the pain so deep, I feel a duty to God to share my story to share my life with those who may also have a pain so deep!
Remember GOD IS GOOD ALWAYS!
By Rachel Fredrickson
Rachel and her husband Anton are recent graduates of the Bear Valley Bible Institute of Denver. Anton serves as the pulpit minister for the Craig church of Christ in Craig, CO. They have four beautiful children (two girls, two boys).